Taking the Leap

So as most of you know, we moved to Atlanta, GA this past week. This was a huge decision for us, and boy oh boy did we go back and forth. We prayed over it a lot and didn't feel like God was leading us to Atlanta. In fact, I actually felt pretty convicted of the fact that God was asking us to stay in Buffalo to focus on growing in our faith through all the classes and ministries at our church, and to trust that HE would provide for us when it didn't look like my husband's salary would do a very good job of that. He hadn't had any luck finding a job in Buffalo for months and when he did it was a lower salary than he has ever had and one we knew we would have trouble getting by on, let alone continuing to save for a house. Appearances aside, because obviously staying in Buffalo didn't seem like a "smart" decision, I felt led to Matthew 6:33, which talks about not worrying about the things we need, like clothing or food: "But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." I felt like God was asking us to rely on him, rather than ourselves, to provide for our family. So, in my opinion, we should stay. Shawn felt like we were being led to stay as well, but he wasn't very happy about it. I completely understood his feelings, but I really wanted to be obedient to what God was asking of us. So, I know what you're wondering- then why the heck are we in Atlanta?! Well, I started having trouble sleeping. After a couple nights of being wide awake at 5 a.m. I asked God what he was trying to tell me. I grabbed my bible and felt the Holy Spirit guide me to Ephesians 5:21-22. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." Boy. I really wasn't doing that was I? I always think I know best. I have an A-type personality, with a little bit of a control issue. Just a little bit. :) My husband, to make matters worse, is a little scatter-brained, so I add that to the list of reasons why I should just do everything and make all the decisions myself. Not quite how Christ calls me to act as a wife, huh? I felt very convicted that I hadn't been truly listening to my husband and what he thought was best for my family. I was also racked with fear that he would let the money Atlanta could offer go to his head again, that he'd be working all the time and never be able to go to church with us or pursue his relationship with Jesus anymore. I felt pretty strongly that Shawn was giving in to temptation and greed, and I just couldn't agree with it. That, actually, was what the Lord woke me up over the first time. Romans 14:4: "Who are you to pass judgement on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand." Wow. Man oh man did I felt corrected. I had been trying to control Shawn's relationship with Jesus, wanting to stay in Buffalo partly out of fear that he would fall off the bandwagon if we moved and all the ways that would effect our marriage and lives in general. I was also very afraid of how the move would effect our son, our relationship, everything. But fear, as we all know, is not of God. Jesus tells us not to be afraid, because he is always with us. I wept as I told my husband how sorry I was that I had been controlling the decision so far, without really realizing it, and I told him I trusted him to make the right decision. My heart had been in the right place, seeking to follow Jesus' instruction, but perhaps I had my own reasons for wanting to stay as well that made me even more adamant. If I was treating my husband badly or unfairly to do right by Jesus, that doesn't really make any sense does it? It's kind of like fighting and snapping at each other about getting out of the house on time so you aren't late to church. I'm pretty sure God would rather have you stay home and treat each other lovingly than sitting next to each other mad in church over a fight. We're silly sometimes, aren't we? Anyways, I still felt very unsure but after some powerful time with Jesus and an awesome women's retreat with the ladies at my church I began to realize that, for me, leaving would be the harder thing. I had been so focused on Shawn and the fact that staying would be harder for him, that I wasn't looking at myself. For me, leaving would be the greater act of trust. Leaving would make me completely and totally reliable on God, stripped of all the other things I tend to rely on - even my church.

So, after a lot more praying and grace that was sufficient as promised, here we are. I can't say I'm certain this is where God wants us, but it does seem as though he is providing for us here. I also can't deny the many opportunities I have already had to exercise faith and hope in him alone. I have already broken down in tears on my knees a couple times, asking him to be my strength. In just one week, I have already struggled with feeling not at home and having none of our things here, constantly chasing a toddler around this beautiful apartment to be sure he doesn't damage anything we might get charged for and baby-proofing anything I can, being very tired from long days with my son where he wasn't napping or sleeping well, getting sick of being cooped up in an apartment all day with no car for several days, then tired of being in a rental car all the time looking at properties, sad over how much my husband and I are snapping at each other under the sheer stress and anxiety of our circumstances, a new church that we are trying hard not to compare to our old one (which we miss so much already), and a general weariness from constantly browsing house rentals and soon finding out that any we are interested in are already gone. Yes, it has only been a week and a day since I left Buffalo with my son, but we lost our home and had to live with my dad for 10 months before this, so things have been unsettled for a very long time. The thought of being in our own place, sleeping in the same bed, settled, and involved in activities with my son again, seems almost like a fantasy sometimes.

                                  

Yet God promises me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). He alone can give me rest in all this. He alone is my strength. All week I have been reminded of great scripture from 2 Corinthians 12:9. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." Boy oh boy have I been weak lately. I feel so out of my element, so tired and weary, so discouraged, so lonely... BUT GOD! God is going to use this all. God is teaching me through this all. And God is calling me more closely to himself through this all. I take heart in the scripture he led me to today, from Romans 5:2-5. "And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also boast in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Amen. This "suffering" I am going through really isn't suffering at all, in the grand scheme of things, especially not when I think of what Jesus suffered through on the cross for ME and for YOU. And now, because of what he went through, we have him all the time, when things are good and when things are tough. We are never alone. He is always there to comfort us and guide us; to be our hope. I am so grateful that no matter how many times a day I fail to place my trust in him, to not snap at my husband, and to not complain, he forgives me each time and loves me without measure. Wow. All my sin aside, he still wants to shower every blessing imaginable on me, and that is what I have to keep in mind each and every day I'm down here.

Another thing that helps me in times like these that might help you with anything you're going through is to remember that nothing lasts forever. We were only meant to live one day at a time, to rely on God one day at a time. We are given enough grace for each single day at a time. In Matthew 6:34 Jesus says: "So don't worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Tomorrow will have its own worries." That has been one of my biggest problems lately. I've been getting weighted down by all the decisions I'll have to make and all the work and settling in we still have ahead of us, and I forget to focus on just today, including today's blessings. Lord, help me to do a better job of living for today. Please give me eyes to see your blessings, ears to hear your voice comforting me and guiding me, and divine appointments to share your love with others. Please give me enough grace for just today, to live more like you. Amen.