My Testimony on Trust

As I continue to grow in the Lord, I'm finding it challenging to trust him. I say I trust him of course, and it's easy to trust him when things are going well, but the moment an unexpected trial or hardship strikes, I often notice that trust begins to waver. Other times the peace I feel (thanks to him) in the face of adversity surprises me, but then as I continue to walk it out day after day, as other things happen to tempt me or weigh me down even more, that's when I start to lack trust. Because what is trust? The definition from Dictionary.com says "reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety of a person or thing; confidence." So if I say that I trust God, that means I know I can rely on him, no matter how bad things get or how bleak they seem. I can rely on his integrity, his strength, and his ability. Of course I can; he's GOD! He is perfect, all-knowing, unconditionally-loving, forgiving, helping, encouraging...everything! I find the last word of that definition the most interesting. Confidence. When I am confident about something, I am SURE of it. I don't wonder or waver back and forth, I'm certain. So trusting God means I am called to have confidence in him, and if I have confidence in him, I don't need to wonder if he has my best interest at heart and I don't have to worry that any temptation, situation, pain, or fear will be greater than him. Proverbs 3:5-6 instructs us, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." These are very clear instructions for how we are called to live as Christians, but that doesn't mean this is any easy thing to do.

Let me give you an example of something I've been struggling with in my own life, something that has really challenged me to trust in the Lord and to have confidence in him.  But before I do, I need to give you a little background. My husband and I were working on consolidating our bills over the past year and last November when I was talking to our insurance company, I was informed that my husband's car insurance was more than double mine because his car was registered in the city of Buffalo and my car was still registered at my dad's in East Aurora. When I hung up the phone a thought popped into my head. I wonder how bad it would be if we told them we moved in with my dad, to save more than $100 each month. No, that would be a lie and that's sinning. Not an option, though the thought was tempting. Interestingly enough, the thought of living with my dad was nagging at me. He had this huge empty three-bedroom house that no one was in anymore besides himself, and living with him for a while would help us save a lot of money to buy a house with fast. No, I told myself, that's crazy. He probably would never say yes, and I couldn't deal with that anyways. I like having my own space, my own kitchen, and my time for Shawn and I to be together. I told Shawn my idea, as a joke, and he actually seemed interested. He knows I was getting worried about how we'd ever be able to afford a house with no money in savings and me at home with Caleb. I told my dad the idea too, and although he seemed surprised by the idea and a bit doubtful, he also seemed interested. I was shocked. When Shawn and I revisited the subject over the next few days, we decided it wasn't an option. I just can't do it Shawn. It would be annoying, he'd nag us all the time, we'd be sleeping in two separate beds...it just wouldn't work. Then at the end of last November, I had one of those days where it seems like everything is falling apart and I felt so weighted down by a couple of my concerns, including ever being able to afford a home, that I got down on my knees and cried out to the Lord. These low points on my life, where I break down before him and completely place myself in his hands, are always followed by some of the best times, where I feel led by him, without a doubt. In early December our landlord, who had just bought her own home, moved out and new tenants moved in. They weren't friendly, were very disrespectful about blocking us in and out of the driveway, and unfortunately, they were doing drugs. The smell of marijuana was coming up through the heat vents, and within minutes our whole house smelled like weed. Our son was only eight months old and was suddenly waking up crying every night right after I would notice the smell. This situation made me very upset and incredibly worried about our health and our safety. I tried to talk to the landlord, who failed to handle it, and to the people downstairs. Long story short, we were forced to submit and leave. We had no where else to live lined up in the middle of a snowstorm, just a couple weeks before Christmas, so we moved in with my father. It was a terrible time in my life, full of stress, anxiety, saddness over leaving the house we brought our son home to, and physical pain from a severe lack of sleep and attempting to nurse and occupy a baby while packing an apartment almost completely by myself while my husband worked. I was angry this happened right before our son's first Christmas, which meant we wouldn't have a Christmas tree up for him and that we hadn't gotten a chance to shop. We had to fit all our things into a house that was nearly already full of furniture, since this wasn't planned, and try to gather friends around Christmas-time who could help us move. And let's just say that the people downstairs were not being very nice. It was absolutely terrible.

Days after the move, before everything was even out, I drove from my dad's out to my friends house and we prayed together over everything. She was my only Christian friend at the time, and I was inspired by the joy and faith she seemed to have irregardless of life's circumstances. I wanted that. She could see it. I had been wanting to feel closer to God, knowing there had to be something more, a joy and a love that I just hadn't experience yet, and so I decided to say "the prayer." I acknowledged Jesus as my savior, asked his forgiveness for my many sins, and gave him my life. It's amazing the way God uses life's trials and problems to draw us to himself. Every problem has a purpose, and this problem was meant to save me. How amazing. That day I received salvation, and that decision changed everything. We started going to a strong Christian Church my friend recommended that happened to not only be on the same street as my dad's house, but that offered childcare. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I don't have anyone to watch my son, so having Christians who have been trained to do this watch my son so I can actual relax in church and hear the word, not to mention take classes and attend bible studies to grow in my faith, made all the difference. It was mind-blowing. My husband and I started attending the church at the beginning of January and fell in love within weeks. It was the most real, and safe, thing we had every encountered. It felt like home. Fast forward a few months and my husband took a new job that offered a big promotion and a sizeable raise to run a new restaurant that was surrounded by a lot of hype. He was very excited. He seemed to really like it and everything was going well until he came home on a Friday morning, two-and-a-half months after he started there, and told me, with tears in his eyes, that he had been let go. I've never seen something effect my husband like that. It crushed him. It confused him, as he is an amazing worker that everyone has always wanted to do anything to keep, and he just didn't understand. He had no idea where to go from here. He felt lost, and beaten, and ever so humbled. The immense amount of pride he always had went right out the window in the blink of an eye. And ya know what God did with that? He used it, as he always does, to bring about good. The day after my husband lost his job, we prayed together and Shawn decided he was ready to jump. He was ready to say "the prayer" and give his life to the Lord. He needed God, now more than ever. We were both certain God had used the job loss to humble my husband so that he would understand that it is God who provides all things and God who should be glorified in everything we do, not ourselves. I felt an immense peace right away when I found out Shawn had lost his job, a peace I couldn't explain. I didn't really know why, but I knew it was God. I felt him saying, "Trust me, everything's going to be alright." A job loss is such a scary thing, but since the Lord had led us to my dad's house, where we didn't have to pay hardly any bills and already had a very healthy amount of money saved, it wasn't nearly as scary. The Lord had helped us and he had provided for us to be okay. I can't tell you how amazing that is to me. I trusted in him when I didn't understand, when things seemed terrible, and he used that to bring about so much good.

One hardship? One salvation. A second hardship? A second salvation. Wow. The holy Spirit entered our lives and began to teach us, convict us, love us, and lead us. He changed EVERYTHING. He became the focal point of our upcoming wedding, which I now had a whole lot of help to prepare for. We were working with a very humble budget, particularly now that my husband had lost his job, so I needed to make everything myself. That was going to be very challenging with a baby to tend to 24-7, but now I had Shawn all the time to help. It's amazing how God provides. God convicted me that Shawn and I had asked his forgiveness for having sex before we were married, yet we were still living in that sin. He placed it on my heart that it wasn't too late to turn from that until we were married. Ironically, he had placed us at my dad's, where we were forced to sleep in two separate beds anyways! :) Romans 8:28 promises us that "in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love him, those who have been called according to his purpose." Wow, what a promise, and I cannot tell you how true I have found that to be. He worked so many things together through this situation, bringing us to himself and achieving salvation, planting us in a new and utterly amazing Christian church, teaching us humility, convicting us of our sins and encouraging us to turn from them (which resulted in inspiring another couple who has living together before marriage to do the same),  he provided for me to have help planning the wedding, for us to be able to still go on a vacation, and to grow in our faith. He is SO good.  I couldn't help but look back at my original thought of moving in with my dad and wonder, was that God's voice? Was that his whisper? Was that the answer to my prayer? At the time I just wasn't ready to listen. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I wanted a home without doing any work to get it. So, in my opinion, he allowed a bad situation to take place because he knew it would do us far more good than harm. How amazing that we weren't paying rent in an apartment with all kinds of bills when the job loss happened or we would've plummeted into debt. Instead, we only had to use some of the money in savings, most of which was then replaced thanks to wedding gifts. Wow. Only God could do all that. And that's precisely why it's so important to trust him in the midst of trouble. Like one of my new favorite songs "Blessings" says, "what if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?" It's a crazy thought. We would've been in so much trouble if we were living in our apartment, with no savings, when Shawn lost his job. At the time we were being forced out of our home we didn't feel so good, and most people would've been saying things like "where's your God now?" or "I don't believe in God precisely because he 'lets' things like this happen," but guess what? That terrible experience was actually a blessing in disguise. We are in so much of a better place now, SO much, because that was allowed to happen to us. We must trust him. We must. He ALWAYS knows what's best for us, and he loves us too much to give us anything less than his best.

So where are we now? Well, you'd think that after seeing how loving and providing God was through all this, that I would trust him completely. Completely. But, of course, I am a human and I'm far from perfect, so this isn't the case. Sometimes I feel like each time I get the opportunity to actual exercise faith is precisely when I fail to. It can be discouraging, but I know that God loves me where I'm at and his grace is enough. God uses trouble to teach us to trust him. How else would we learn? It's just like patience. How can you practice patience except in a trying situation? How can I practice trusting God except in a situation that requires me to trust him? So that leads me to where we are now.... (Yikes, it took me all that to get to the here-and-now? God help me to be more concise! Only he could!!!)

Since we had to use a good deal of the money we saved at my dads to support our family after the job loss, even though the wedding helped replenish that, we still aren't where we thought we'd be after the wedding, without the job loss, to afford a house. Shawn's job search in Buffalo kept turning up nothing, nothing, nothing. So we started to look in Atlanta, the only other place we have family, and somewhere we both love. We felt like God wanted us to stay in Buffalo to focus on him and growing in our faith (we are still very new Christians), but nothing was happening here. Then Shawn found a job in Birmingham, AL that seemed to really want him. He had interview after interview but I didn't feel very good about it. We prayed over it, that God's will would be done, and the next day he had a final interview that didn't go well and just like that, the job was gone. We were certain God had done that, and fairly confident he wanted us to remain where we were. But with nothing in Buffalo still, he went back to the Atlanta search, and right after he put out some feelers there are started working with an Atlanta recruiter, a Buffalo job appeared. It was one he knew he could get quickly, as a friend of his runs it, but we didn't know if the salary would be enough. We did receive the job offer and it was for much lower than we thought. When we made a new budget, we realized that we wouldn't really be able to add anything to savings for a house, and that we would just be getting by. So how did that really help us? We prayed and prayed over it, and fasted and prayed, and I felt very strongly that God was telling me to stay put and focus on feeding my relationship with him before worrying about my other needs. He led me to Matthew 6:25-34, which I have clung to throughout this process. Here he tells us not to worry about what we'll wear or where our next meal will come from, or anything, because worrying doesn't do anything to change the situation.  Our heavenly father knows our needs, just like he knows the needs of the birds of the air and the flowers of the field. Yet he says that we are to "seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Wow. To me, Shawn and I were being presented with a choice. We could go to Atlanta for more money and take the visible, worldly-wise (sensical) way to get a house, or we could take the path-less-traveled. We could take the path that requires faith in him, where we can't actually see how we will be able to get a house, the one that will rely on us to trust in him and rely on him completely, instead of ourselves. I grew more and more convicted that God was calling us to trust that if we seek to please him first and trust him to meet our needs, rather than trying to do that ourselves, that he would bless us in ways we couldn't imagine. Then began the test...

My husband still felt very worried about the money and wanted to go to Atlanta to do some interviews. He went and came home with no job offers. It seemed to me that God had been clear that he wanted us in Buffalo, especially with something really cool. I had heard all about this great class called Financial Peace University that I signed Shawn and I up to take in the fall, but when it came time to pay the $100, the week before it started, and someone from the church emailed me to confirm, I felt like I had to tell her I could no longer afford it. I knew it would do us a lot of good to be in that class, especially if Shawn took a job in Buffalo for a lot less money, but we had transferred enough out of savings already, he had been unemployed for about three full months and even at my dad's, things were just getting really tight. Do you know what happened? I got a response from her that blew me out of the water. She told me that she felt like God had placed it on her heart to pay for Shawn and I but that she had no idea why. Once I sent her that email, she understood completely and told me she would be so happy to pay for us to take something that would make such an amazing difference in our lives and our marriage. She was so kind, so generous, and then assured me she would tell no one about it. I sat, stunned, staring at my computer. Someone just paid $100 for us to take this class. Wow. And just like that, I knew God was telling me that this was how he was going to provide for us over the next year or more, in these invisible ways we could have never planned on. Shawn had to agree. Divine provision. Amazing. But of course then the companies from Atlanta called him for the next step, after he had started his new job in Buffalo for less money, and it was very hard for me. I wanted to submit to my husband, yet I felt that God had been clear and that my husband wasn't obeying. Obeying is hard, I know that, but I felt certain God revealed his will to us. I didn't want to live outside that. And I knew that if we went against what we felt God was asking us to do, that we would not be blessed as abundantly. I've been there, struggling all the time because I wasn't living God's way, and I don't want to ever be there again. Ever. I started to get more and more confused by scripture, which Christians know is something the Devil knows and tries to twist and use against us. He knows I've struggled with control issues with my husband and others, and that I am working on submission. I read Ephesians and felt like maybe God was calling me to practice submitting to my husband, even if I didn't agree with him. I cried and sought forgiveness for being so forceful with what I felt like God had told me, and told my husband maybe we should go. We have gone back and forth, and have been continuously tempted to go to Atlanta. The Devil knows I struggle with fear and so I felt like he was using scripture like "Do not be afraid" to get me to go, since I'm afraid of uprooting our son away from his family and afraid that we won't find a strong Christian church there and afraid of some other things. He was really attacking me, making me think it was God talking to me. So much of it was from scripture that I got confused. How do I KNOW it's God's voice when I hear a voice in my head? Clearly I'm hearing Satan's too. It can be tough, but I know that our God is not a God on confusion, and I have been very confused about this decision. Then I realized the only times I get confused are when I allow my faith in God's perfect will and divine provision to be shaken. When I allow myself to listen to the voice of temptation, I get confused. The decision swallows me whole. But I keep turning back to the word, I keeping praying for the Devil to get behind me, I keep praying God will use my weakness to perfect his power. I pray that I will be strengthened to obey his will and not by own, and to trust fully in HIM alone. 

I have been searching for an apartment for three months now, since we need to get out of my dad's house. I cannot find anything in the areas near our church that is in our new price-range, which is no more than $750/month. When I do, I don't hear anything back. Or it has no laundry at all, not even hookups. I have always been the dream tenant, quiet and clean, and my last two landlords have actually lowered the rent and made improvements to the apartment I wanted because they wanted me as a tenant. And I say this not to toot my own horn, but because now, I can't get anyone to rent to me! I can't understand it! I've never had such a hard time. So of course, yet again, in a situation that requires trust (he is asking me to stay here and trust in him to provide for my needs), I doubt. Ahhh doubt, the root of all evil, the cause for mankind's very first sin. Doubt that God really knows and wants what's best for us. "Well, maybe I was wrong. I've been learning that he's a God of love and not fear, and that I'm supposed to submit to what you think is best, and I cannot for the life of me find an apartment here, so maybe he is opening a door in Atlanta," I told my husband. "Maybe we don't have to struggle to prove to him that we love him and are willing to obey. Maybe we passed the test already. Maybe we showed him we are willing to stay for him and now he's letting us go to where we really want to be and will provide a great church and Christian friends for us there. Maybe the two don't have to be separate. Maybe it isn't God in Buffalo or Sin in Atlanta. Maybe it's more about where are hearts are than where we live." Sounds good right? Makes it easier for us to do what would make us happy, to live where we want, to get away from these terrible and long winters to enjoy sunshine and warmth most of the year, and to be able to practice yoga at my favorite studio that actually has childcare. Sounds like it might be coming from God. And isn't that exactly what Satan did to Eve in the Garden of Eden? Well if God really loves you and really wants what's best for you, he'd let you eat from that tree. And if he really loved us and wanted us to be happy, he'd let us go to Atlanta right? 

But what if God is more concerned with your holiness than your happiness? He loves us more than anything and he wants to shower his blessings on us, but what if that happens more when we practice obedience and holiness? Happiness comes and goes, we all know that, but joy doesn't. That's what originally brought me to salvation, that I could see my friend Sarah had something different. I could see that her joy didn't depend on life's circumstances they way my happiness did. Because she had God, and she had all his promises to rest in. My family could go to Atlanta and focus more on our personal happiness, or we could stay here and practice holiness. To me, the choice is that simple. The Bible tells us to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12). If God wants us in Atlanta, I'll know. He'll make it obvious, but he won't force us to go, just like he isn't forcing us to stay. He loves us enough to give us the choice. He wants us to make the choice that will glorify him and make him happy, but he won't make us because it wouldn't mean anything if he did. It brings him SO much joy when we seek to please him, and obey him, and put him first. We are called not to listen to the voices in our head, or the voices of the world (even the well-meaning ones and all the common-sense ones), but to HIS VOICE ALONE. It won't always be easy to do that, in fact I think it rarely will, but we can rest assured that if we seek to please him before anything else, we will be blessed more than we could possibly imagine. Matthew 19:29 says, "Everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life." WOW! So we can all rest in knowing that if we sacrifice things we love in his name, that we will receive a hundredfold that back. I know that if Shawn and I stay in Buffalo on a more humble salary to pursue holiness, that we will be blessed abundantly for that. That doesn't make it easy to do, and it doesn't mean I won't still be tempted or struggle to trust, but it means that I can cling to that promise. And his promises are enough. They are more than enough. So whatever you're struggling with right now, whatever affliction or hardship or decision, seek God's will first. Listen for his voice. Immerse yourself in his word, which is most often how he talks to us. Pray faithfully. Place your hope in him. Pray for the Holy Spirit's guidance. And be confident that he will work it all together for your good and for the purpose he has called you to. Fall back on the times he has led you through the fire before, the times he used trouble or hardship to bring about good or to draw you nearer to himself, and trust that he will do it again. 

Just this morning I went to my first women's bible study at my church. It was amazing. I walked in feeling so weighted down by this decision again, but guess what? Today's lesson in The Purpose Driven Life was about discipleship, and how God doesn't want you to just know of Jesus Christ, but that he wants you to become more like Jesus Christ. To me, that was mind-blowing, in terms of the decision I'm facing right now. Which decision, to go or stay, will make me more like Jesus? To me, the answer was quite simple. The one that calls me to endure some suffering and struggle to fulfill his will and not mine. The one that keeps me in a strong church that I've only just begun to get connected in. The one that keeps me intertwined with some strong Christian friends (we are stronger together!) and classes to keep growing in my faith. The one that calls me to practice humility. The one that means I will need to rely FULLY on God to provide for me. If my pursuit is holiness, which is it, and not my own personal needs and desires, then I stay put. I trust. I practice patience in this apartment search, confident he will provide for us in his perfect timing. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. At the end of the bible study, after I had shared my struggle with temptation lately and wound up in tears (of course) sharing, a girl two seats over told me that she was putting her apartment in North Buffalo up for rent TODAY. However, North Buffalo is a little further from church than we want to be, since I'm there multiple times a week and don't want my toddler living in the car. Then the girl next to me, at the close of the meeting, told me she was helping a girlfriend move out of her West Seneca apartment today, at that it was going up for rent this weekend. West Seneca is one of the places we were looking for. She said it's a two-bedroom, which is also what we were looking for, and super cute. She said it has a nice yard for a son to play in, and backs up to a creek. She said the landlords are awesome. And then she told me the price: $600 a month. Wow. God is good. All the time. We need to trust that more.

James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything." Not lacking in ANYTHING!!! Wow. Praise God. 

Be blessed.